the allen family bermuda triangle: 2010

as with most people who have an email account, i receive daily offers for v!agra, cial!s, online girlfriends and nigerian 419 scams. lately i've been getting an inordinate number of "i-need-a-foreigner-to-take-this-ginormous-chunk-of-money-for-me-then-send-me-back-a-percentage" offers...and one in particular caught my eye not for its eloquence, for eloquent it is not, but for the sheer amount of money it claimed to offer--over 52 million pounds. usually they offer somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 to 5 million dollars, but 52 million pounds (almost 83 million dollars!) is more than half the GDP of tuvalu. anyway, i decided to respond to this guy...and the below is the result. surprisingly, he hasn't replied...but i have received fewer offers over the past couple of days!

from Paul Wolfe
reply-to remittance_2010@videobank.it
to
date Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 4:07 AM
subject Greeting From: Mr.Paul Wolfe.
signed-by yahoo.com
hide details Dec 8 (9 days ago)

Warning: This message may not be from whom it claims to be. Beware of following any links in it or of providing the sender with any personal information. Learn more

Greeting From: Mr.Paul Wolfe.
Address: E3 Pelham House,
32-34 Pelham Road, London, GW19 1SX
United Kingdom.
Tel: +447045701670

"RELATIONSHIP ESTABLISHMENT & DEAL NOTIFICATION"

I am aware that this is certainly an unconventional approach to starting a relationship but I believe knowing each other starts from a step of which I believe I am not making a mistake exposing this very important business deal to you?

Firstly, let me identify myself without any intention of equivocation, I am Mr.Paul Wolfe, Financial Expert worked with Banks here in United Kingdom, I will be happy if we can do business together in good faith and this proposal will be of mutual benefit for us. I have a transaction deal in the tune of £52,954,000.00 {Fifty Two Million Nine Hundred and Fifty Four Thousand British Pounds Sterling} to be transferred to any possible safe account with your good assistance. I have every possibility & advantages for the proceeds of this fund to be paid to your account.

I had discussed this issue privately with the Top Bank Director and he agreed to help and have instructed me to look for a foreigner who can be trusted and capable to handle this transaction so that we can secretly move this money out from UK immediately basing on Investments plans in your Country. I guarantee that this will be executed under a concrete special arrangement that will protect us from any breach of law. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this transaction is hitch-free and you should not entertain any fears as the required arrangements have been made for the completion of this operation.

Your assistance as a foreigner is necessary because the management of the bank will welcome any foreigner who has correct information to this account which I will give to you immediately, We will start the first transfer with Thirty Two Million {£32,000,000.00}.Upon successful transfer without any disappointment from your side, we shall re-apply for the payment of the remaining balance of {£20, 954,000.00} to your account. I am only contacting you as a foreigner because this money cannot be approved to a local person here due to law in United Kingdom.

This money was secretly deposited and placed for an Investment before the late holder died and none of his families or relatives knows about this money, I came across this great fortune during an annual pre-audition. If you can be trusted and capable to handle this business with me in full confidence & trust, please send me the following information for documentation preparation and also give me your word of confidence that we will work as one team and I will get in return what belongs to me after successful transmission this operation :

At the conclusion of this transaction, your total share will be 40% of the total transfer sum,while 60% for me and my partners who is helping in making this successful.

If you are interested, please forward the following information as below:

(1). Private phone numbers: .....
(2). Current residential address:.....
(3). Occupation: ......
(4). Age and Sex: ......
(5). Your Full Banking Coordinates as follows.
Bank Name: ......
Bank Address:......
Account No:......
Account Holder's Name:.....
Routing Number/Swift Code If Any....
Your Passport ID.

I look forward hearing from you.
Kind Regards,
Mr.Paul Wolfe

***********************************

from missy
to "remittance_2010@videobank.it"
date Wed, Dec 8, 2010 at 8:47 AM
subject Re: Greeting From: Mr.Paul Wolfe.
mailed-by gmail.com
hide details Dec 8 (9 days ago)

wow! that would solve SO many problems for me, but i'm afraid 40% just isn't going to be enough. my mega-church just went under and with the economy the way it is today 20 million pounds just doesn't go as far as it used to. a girl's gotta eat, after all! i appreciate the offer but i'm afraid i just can't do it under the paltry terms described. too bad--i hear ireland is looking for some quick cash, though.
m. allen

**************************************

from pin info
to missyxxx@gmail.com
date Thu, Dec 9, 2010 at 3:12 AM
subject Read very carefully for your batter understanding
hide details Dec 9 (8 days ago)

Warning: This message may not be from whom it claims to be. Beware of following any links in it or of providing the sender with any personal information. Learn more

Dear missy

I thank you immensely for your mail to my proposal I believe strongly that you are the right person God sent to do this business with me and I must sincerely assure you that nothing illegal will happen in this business either now or later, If I am not sure of this deal I will not get myself involve in it.

It is however had to trust people these days I have considered many doubts, criticisms before sending this proposal to you. I am what I claimed to be and there are no doubts About it.

There will be complete Heritage documents to prove that this business is not in any way related to any illegal act or from Drug and money laundering. I am not doing this business because of the large amount that is involved on it but rather the success of this business will benefit both families from generation to generation as long as you follow my instruction which I will be getting from our Top officials who is the main key to success in this business with confidentiality of this business there is know way the bank will call the authorities because there will be document that will back up this fund to your account and you will not let bank know that your expecting some fund into your account so that there will not ask you question that you may not be able to answer to them until i told you to do so because We need the account information to apply to the Ministry of Finance to
obtain Foreign Payment Control Approval of this fund for successful transfer to be carried out and be made to your designated bank account

I Having being in the banking system for more than two decades now, I want you to bear in mind that I intend to use only very secure and legitimate banking procedures in line with the "British inheritance claim Act" and how it concerns this kind of transaction to move this money out of this bank in your name as the beneficiary as you know you cant access the money in that account because it is a dormant fund we need to follow the procedures as inheritance fund all over the world that is why your account required to process the fund to your account without any father delay

I am for real and i have pray to God for this before i start the process as you know that if i left this fund in this bank it will be taking by government for then self use that is why i contacted you as a honest person which my God direct me to you with hope that you will not let me down in this business now or in future, You should not worry about anything at all this business is 100% risk free no government agent can come over you ok because the document will back up this fund and the approval which we will have from the British H M treasury department which you will show it to your bank that the fund in your account is good fund ok i am not hear to jeopardize the good image of your family and i will not like you to jeopardize the image of my own family too

I restfulness my confident on you please do help me out so that this fund will not diverted to government account as the British prim minister said that any unclaimed fund should transfer to government account that is why I am making my effort to see that I move this fund out of this bank As you can understand that the owner of this fund is a foreigner and this fund can only be approved in a foreign account that is why I contacted you as a foreigner

I wait to hear from you as soon as possible

(1). Full names: .....
(2). Private phone numbers: .....
(3). Current residential address:.....
(4). Occupation: ......
(5). Age and Sex: ......
{6}.Your Full Banking Coordinates as follows.
Bank Name: ......
Bank Address:......
Account No:......
Account Holder's Name:.....
More Information about yourself ETC.

I look forward hearing from you.
Kind Regards,
Mr.Paul Wolfe
Tel: +447045701670

**************************************************

from missy
to pin info
date Sat, Dec 11, 2010 at 7:30 AM
subject Re: Read very carefully for your batter understanding
mailed-by gmail.com
hide details Dec 11 (6 days ago)

my batter is perfectly understood, thank you. no illegal gains involved? what fun is that? i thought at least a mexican drug cartel had been raided and had its funds diverted to your bank. i'm not sure i can rebuild my megachurch with honestly-earned monies from the sweat off some dead man's balls. balls. that's a funny word. i should use it more often. that and tool.

i think you're barking up the wrong tree here, wolfy. i mentioned ireland needing some cash--did you try them? or perhaps a small country in africa that is looking to triple their economy in one fell swoop? i bet you could find one that loathes your use of punctuation just as much as you do. that'd be such a blessing for you, i'm sure. then together you could prevent those evil brits from taking "your" money.

here's hoping you stick it to the man soon,
m.

***************************************************

from pin info
to missy
date Tue, Dec 14, 2010 at 8:58 AM
subject the choice is yours
hide details Dec 14 (3 days ago)

please i am not here for childish play ok am here for very important business if you are not interested on this proposal then you forget all about it i am still searching for a good and honest person that can take over this transaction before it will divert to government account as you can understand i will never live that fund in that bank as long as the owner of the fund is died which you know that if this fund can be approved in local account here i wouldn't have contacted you for the first time just because of the owner is a foreigner and the fund can only be approved in a foreigner account.

so you can live me alone let me be searching for business partner OK

**************************************************

from missy
to pin info
date Wed, Dec 15, 2010 at 10:18 AM
subject Re: the choice is yours
mailed-by gmail.com
hide details Dec 15 (2 days ago)

oh wolfy, now you're just being rude. and i even suggested ireland as a possible partner for you! if the choice is mine then i guess i'll have to just give you some account numbers. hmm...it has a couple of 5s, and some zeroes, and maybe a 9 in there...i never can remember. was it 52 954 000 00? i think so. hey, what a coincidence--that's the same amount you promised me! i guess god does work in mysterious ways...or maybe it is satan. does this make me a tool of satan if i work with you? he he, i said tool.

you know what, this would be so much easier if you just sent me all your personal information and bank account details and let me figure it all out on my end. you can't stick it to the man properly without divulging your digits, wolfy! just send it along and i'll get them to the proper authorities here in the states--i'll make sure those in great britain get it, too. you'll have instant access to "your" (wink wink) money in two countries! how can you lose?

engaging in child's play,
m. allen

i've said it before and i'll say it again: worst. thanksgiving. costume. ever.

i know i have much to be thankful for, but rather than enumerating all that i'm concentrating on the unintentional humor found in these vintage thanksgiving cards. go eat lots of turkey!

that is one seriously lecherous moon checking out the turkeymaid's cleavage

"i've placed something most foul amongst the presentation--try and guess where?"

i actually feel rather sorry for the bird, because when i look at this all is see is "i'm gonna cut you turkey, then i'm gonna cut you summore..."

"duuuude, you're so fucked. i may be in a cage but if you're stupid enough to hang out in the yard on "turkey day" and not escape, then i've got nothing more to say to you."