Wednesday, May 30, 2012

everything that breathes, poos

another reclaimed post from the now-abandoned blog, dating back a bit.  i was wicked pissed when i wrote this...amazingly, this couple (his wife got in on it, too) continued to bring their damn dog over for months after this incident!  they've stopped now (no, i didn't shoot the dog, or them, with the air rifle, nor would i--i was exaggerating for the sake of a good story) but it was massively annoying before they put an end to it.

let me preface this story by stating that i don't even let brown dog poo on his own lawn, much less do i invite others to do so.

our yard starts beyond a ravine, 40 feet from the sidewalk.  i worked my ass off clearing the area and we paid a fortune to get sod installed.  and if my asshole, down-the-street-neighbor's dog comes over and shits on my lawn one more time, i'm fucking shooting it.  or the neighbor.  or both.  i actually confronted him out there tonight as he stood and directed his dog to poo on my lawn, 20 feet beyond where the grass starts.  and down-the-street-neighbor fucking denied the dog was doing it while the dog was literally in the process of crapping not 10 feet away from me.  i'm thinking i should have picked up the alleged not-happening poo and chucked it at him to see if he'd like to change his position...but i refrained.  i have no idea what fucking alternate reality this asshole lives in, but in the one i and my yard inhabit we are getting shat upon.

the only remotely funny side to this was that i was actually holding an air rifle while i was yelling at the guy.  brown dog was inside barking his head off at what i thought was a raccoon (we've got a different problem with them), so i was ready to shoot something.  the dude is obviously blind as a bat, but that still doesn't excuse the assholeness.  poor brown dog--he's not even allowed to go on his own grass.

he's totally getting a flaming bag of his own dog's poo on his front porch soon.

Monday, May 28, 2012

dog v. package

once upon a time, i tried to write a second blog that i have now decided to abandon.  i was writing it because i felt like some of the posts were a bit too...offensive? obnoxious? potentially actionable? post them here, but now i think they're more acceptable than not.  maybe i've just become more offensive/obnoxious/potentially actionable myself.  whatever else they may be, i still think they're entertaining.  this is "dog v. package" from a couple of years ago.  enjoy!

brown dog, our most beloved and faithful pet, has a bone to pick with male strangers. he has a tendency to sniff, rather tentatively at first but with some force later into the experience, a dude's junk. last night he did so with alarming intensity to the point of poking strange man in our house pretty damn hard in the package. strange man asked to visit the powder room after said encounter with brown dog presumably to gather his wits and dignity; i feigned blindness to the entire incident and continued cooking dinner.

thing one (a.k.a. offspring) thinks brown dog does this because he is castrated--which freaks thing one out to no end anyway; thing two (a.a.k.a. offspring) isn't old enough to have an informed opinion. when told of the incident, significant other said, and i quote, "i'm completely aware of EXACTLY where everything else in the room is in relation to my package--how the hell could someone miss a goddamned dog sniffing their nuts? is he like the least-aware person ever?" significant other isn't known for being empathetic.

brown dog 1, strange male's package 0.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

who is 2012's artist-in-residence at herbert hoover national historic site?

me!  and, honestly, i'm thrilled.  i love the national park service and i am truly honored to be one of a small number of artists invited to create work inspired by these important, protected, american-with-a-capital-A sites.  herbert hoover NHS is actually very close by so i'm not living on-site as most other artists-in-residence do, which works for all of us (i do still have to be a mom...).  i think i am an excellent fit for them--one of the remarkable attributes of the site is an 81-acre rehabilitated prairie (it had been plowed and farmed during hoover's time but now is back to native grasses and forbs), so i get to look at native plants, apply my master gardener training, and shoot what looks good.  righteous.

being selected to do nothing but take pictures of plants and talk about it is easily the best job i've ever had in my life.  these are a few images from my first week--i've got all summer to work out there, so more will follow later.  come visit me!

red clover (technically, this is an alien invasive, but it still looked pretty)

western property line for reclaimed prairie


hoover creek, running to the wapsipinicon

chive-a-delic! (from the hoover family garden)

Sunday, May 20, 2012


birthday girl!
this weekend we celebrated the bunny's 6th birthday party, which was held in the backyard and ravine.  we FINALLY got the play structure built (2 years late, but with 48 hours to spare before the big event...) and the kids definitely loved it.  even gus still plays on it--he and his friend, gabe, served as big-kid chaperones for the party and they both totally got into the fun.  the kids all played in the treehouse as well.

after the party my friends chloë and marge stayed and had a beer with me while sophie and her friend, lucia, opened all her presents.  it was an absolutely perfect 6th birthday party for both me and soph--i couldn't have planned a better afternoon (except for rich to have been with us).  looking forward to next year's party already!

crazed party children

more crazed party children

cheetah in the icing

we found that if you give gabe sugar, he starts doing some pretty cool party tricks

moustachioed madeline and sophie (super fly girls)

the two best big-kid chaperones in the history of ever: gabe and gus

Friday, May 11, 2012

paco's world

paco's world

it's almost wyethesque...

andrew wyeth, "christina's world," 1849

Thursday, May 10, 2012

how to and not to behave around a $150 million object

how to behave, properly, around a $150 million painting

honestly, i've been nothing but disappointed with the actions of the university of iowa museum of art since moving back to the paris of the prairies.   i was offered a job as curator of academic affairs before we even agreed to return (three years ago now) and not only did that job never materialize but the defrocked acting director tried to claim the job for herself.  and the new director, who suggested i would best serve the museum as a docent (i started teaching docents in 1992 at the dallas museum of art...), has sent the single most expensive object in the entire state of iowa on a meet-n-greet to the big city of...des a non-AAM accredited art space.

in my experience, objects do not return from being loaned in better shape than when they left, and the "care" being taken of jackson pollock's "mural," shown below in some recent photographs, is sub-par.  the university of iowa is taking massive undue risk with an incredibly valuable object--i wonder why they are willing to do that?  why move such an object 150 miles to a city with HALF the population of the region from which it is coming?  i could *almost* see the reason behind a trip to new york city, dallas, houston, LA, SF, chicago...but this is absurd.  i have a feeling the only thing this meet-n-greet is going to accomplish is a renewed interest by the iowa state legislature in selling the object.  from what i see, i'm not sure it's a bad idea anymore.

how not to behave, version 1.0 (ladders tip over all the time...)

how not to behave, version 1.1, 1.2 and 1.3 (this sucker is top-heavy and liable to tip over, it is rolling on insufficient carriers, and the handler isn't wearing gloves)

how not to behave, version 1.4...does this actually need an explanation? thought number one: measure all hallways and staircases before moving an object. thought number two: do something other than this as the number of things that could have gone wrong here are too numerous to contemplate

how not to behave, version 2.0 (you don't massage a $150 million painting for a photo op)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

miniature rodeo

more goodies from the houston livestock show and rodeo...this time in miniature.  enjoy!
miniature sparkly lady

miniature cows

miniature calf roping

miniature bronc riding

miniature lone cowboy

miniature cowboys and stock

miniature calf scramble

miniature chuck wagon

miniature bull riding...on the miniature big screen

miniature angry bull

miniature the band perry