Thursday, June 2, 2011

rich's favorite traumatic brain injury patient gives him some advice

rich currently sees a patient who suffered a hell of an injury when someone tried, and failed, to beat him to death. he ended up not losing his life but rather most of his cranium (which has yet to be replaced) and any type of verbal filter when speaking to others. i get the impression he didn't have many inhibitions before the injury: he has a target tattooed on the side of his head and a giant jesus tattooed under his jaw, stretching down to his chest, which drives rich nuts because it's off-center and not in an artistic way. it sounds like this guy's seen quite a lot in his 20 years.

the first time rich met him he (rich) had a female medical student working with him...who got completely freaked out by this guy's very open opinion of her. they were just getting to know him then; today he was back in the clinic, wearing his usual matching official NBA hat and shorts with the holographic tags still attached, and giving rich some much needed direction in life that was relayed to me this evening:

patient: hey, hey, what kinda car do you drive?

rich: a toyota.

patient: what, like one of those high-end toyotas?

rich: no, a prius.

patient: a prius? psssht. why are you driving a prius? look, i'll tell you what we'll do: we'll put some 20-inch rims on it, get a TV for the front dash, get some speakers in the back, and then i'll ride with you in the front and the police will see me with all these tattoos on my neck and pull you over and you'll go HA! i'm a doctor, bitch!

rich: (pause) that sounds good.

patient: do you know gucci mane? i love gucci mane! he's got a tattoo on the side of his head of an ice cream cone.

rich: (pause) like the purse?

patient: no, not like the purse! gucci--G-U-C-C-I. gucci mane. we need to get you hooked up. get rid of that wedding ring! white women don't like that. we'll get you a pinky ring, some chains for your wrist, some stuff for around your neck, and you need a hat. you gotta wear a hat! we'll get you some white women.

rich: (pause, noting the patient is quite white himself) i have a white woman at home.

patient: no, some white women.

rich: (pause) okay.

patient: shit, we'll get you straightened out.

even the brain-injured sense that rich needs all the help he can get.

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