Wednesday, March 24, 2010

guys: a word, please

back from rome, back from london, finished with taxes, and now back to the gym. i'm trying to get a grip on my life, again (and it is a tenuous one at that); having a semblance of a routine helps. however, and i believe i speak for many women here, time at the gym could be less....revealing.

first off: this post is for males. it will be obvious why in a moment. and it isn't for all males--just those in need of a bit of reminding. plenty of y'all have already figured this out, and for that i, and everyone else sharing your gym space, thank you. but for those of you who haven't given this much thought, please consider the following as some constructive criticism.

the time of day that i choose to go to the gym is the same time that many moms ("yummy mummies" in britain) with school-aged children go, and it is also the time that many older, perhaps retired men seem to go as well. it isn't too much of a meat market so one needn't be terribly self-conscious. most of the guys there look like they have spent their lives exercising in some fashion, and i'm guessing many of them haven't thought about what they wear while doing so in a good, long time. and that's fine--if you are choosing to wear appropriate gear.

point number one:
men, if you are wearing one of these to exercise, you are oversupported. this is for full-contact sports where your junk might get injured; it is not for stretching exercises in front of the mirrors at the gym. exercise wear has come a long way in the past few decades; the jock is no longer the equipment of choice for no- to low-impact sports. if you choose to wear one of these anyway PLEASE wear long-enough shorts--or better yet loose-fitting pants--to cover this. i was treated to the view of an ass strap today (among other things) and it isn't something i particularly ever care to see again. short shorts + this shit is just wrong.

point number two:
short shorts are for running, not stretching. i have seen a huevo sitting on the same mat that i put my face on when i do press-ups, and that is nothing if not vomit-inducing. i'm sure people at my gym think i have OCD because, after seeing that, i now spray down the mat with antibacterial stuff before and after i use it. short shorts are fine for running but, like the above, are not suitable for floor exercises. if you think your 20-year-old tighty whities are holding your junk in properly, you are sadly mistaken. instead of said tighty whities, do yourself a favor and buy some of these:

they're called boxer briefs. go get some nice, long shorts to go with them and do your stretching exercises without fear of lolling nuts. and who knows?--you might even start to feel like you look like one of these guys here. at the very least you won't be remembered as the guy at the gym whose testicle(s) escaped his shorts.

point number three:
if you desperately need to feel supported, please do yourself a favor and buy a pair of these:

they're called compression shorts--google it if you are unfamiliar. your package will feel shrink-wrapped in iron; add a cup and it'll feel more like titanium. you'll definitely feel supported. PLEASE DO NOT WEAR THEM ALONE. no one wants to see that. get some long shorts to go over them and you'll be set.

are we good? i hope so. we all just want to survive our time at the gym...


  1. I laughed so hard reading this post! But it's true, guys need to keep their parts under wraps. Oh, and gyms are dirty. I actually have a friend who contracted HPV from his gym... yikes.

  2. BWHHHHHAHAHAHAHHHAHHAAHHHAA. Another reason to postpone gym-going.. that and laziness.

    xox, L