Monday, April 12, 2010

apparently the guys at my gym aren't alone

i'm laughing my ass off. i was watching "i'm alan partridge" with steve coogan, and just about fell over when this little tidbit came on. can't find a video--read the transcript below.

I’m Alan Partridge
Starring Steve Coogan

Written by
Peter Baynham
Steve Coogan
Armando Iannucci

Episode 3 – Watership Alan

Lynn: Just a few things, Alan.

Alan: Right.

Lynn: We’ve had a call from Norwich Radio. There’ve been more complaints from farmers about… what you said.

Alan: Right, how many?

Lynn: Fifty.

Alan: Oh, your age. [Alan sits on the side of his bed] Well, Hamilton’s have –

Lynn: Alan, you’ve come free at the side.

Alan: [Adjusting himself] Oh, sorry, sorry. It was a genuine mistake. Anyway, I got the Hamilton’s job.

Lynn: Yes, I’ve been speaking to them. They’re coming over this afternoon.

Alan: Right.

Lynn: Did they say that you have to have your wife on the shoot?

Alan: [Getting up, irritated] Oh, Lynn, did you tell them that my wife has left me and she’s living with a narcissistic sports pimp? [He sighs, and sits back down.]

Lynn: You’ve… you’ve popped out again.

Alan: Oh. [Adjusts himself again, with a sigh] That wasn’t deliberate, I promise you. It’s not a cry for help. It’s just I’ve had these shorts since 1982. They did have an underpant lining, but it’s perished. They’ve taken a bit of a pounding over the years. In fact, can you get me some new ones, please?

[Lynn writes his request down on her notepad.]

Alan: I’m going to have to ring Carol and ask if she’ll do the corporate video. Lynn, Lynn, you speak to her, you speak to her, please. [Gives the phone to Lynn, who groans.]

Lynn: Hello. Yes, he is. [Hands the phone to Alan. The cord is pulled round her neck.] It’s a man.

Alan: Oh, that’s her boyfriend. Hello? Yeah, it’s Alan, your lover’s husband. The immersion heater? [Alan sits behind Lynn, making the telephone cord pull tighter on her neck] It’s underneath the stairs. You only really need to press that if you’re having a deep bath. Well, put it on an hour before, Bob’s your uncle, you’ve got a deep bath. Yeah, well if you would, please, yes. [To Lynn] He’s gone to get Carol. You speak to her, you speak to her.

[Alan hands the phone back to Lynn. The cord is now wrapped around both their necks, tying their heads uncomfortably close together.]

Lynn: Hello, Carol, how are you?

[Alan makes a ‘get to the point’ hand gesture]

Lynn: Oh, er, Carol, would you like to be in Alan’s corporate video? Right. [To Alan] She says no and she wants to speak to you.

Alan: Tell her I’m not here.

Lynn: He’s not here. [To Alan] She says she can hear your voice.

Alan: Erm, call her a fat cow then hang up.

Lynn: Fat cow!

[Lynn slams the phone down. In doing so, she pulls her and Alan’s heads down towards the bed.]

Alan: Well done, Lynn. Now, before we get up, I’m just going to warn you, I have popped out again. It’s in no way connected with our proximity, so just don’t turn round.

[Alan untangles himself from the phone and adjusts his crotch.]

Alan: Right, the boys are back in the barracks! [Singing] Take a pinch of white man…[Walks off]

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