last night i purposely overcaffeinated myself with too much chocolate ice cream, bit the bullet, and cleared out the closet that was supposed to become my darkroom. i give, i cry uncle, i get that it isn't going to happen, etc. and i spent until midnight clearing out expired chemicals, arranging plastic bottles lovingly in storage boxes, wrapping and rewrapping my VC coldlight head (i love that light) and did all i needed to do to get the space cleaned up and organized. our house offers many things, but places for storage it does not. whether we actually have too much stuff or just a dearth of storage spaces for it is debatable--the end result is the same, however. we need more space for our crap. or less crap. so i jettisoned some lesser-needed darkroom items and crammed the remaining things into the smallest possible space. i am/was upset because i know it means that a darkroom is nowhere near being in my future...
...so today i wake up, kinda pissed, kinda tired, and definitley feeling like a fraud in the photography department and i decided to go ahead and take out that loan for the digital back for my hasselblad. it solves a multitude of problems (while creating one giant one--an extra dollop of debt) and i think it will actually make a difference in my life. i truly do. so i go through the loan application procedure, i fill in all the blanks, i answer all my sneaky identity-proving questions correctly, and i even put rich on as a co-applicant because i don't exactly have a paying job. i go through all of this, all the while feeling so guilty about spending so much money and truly hoping and praying that i can actually pay it back, and then it happens:
i got turned down for the loan.
i got completely rejected by the man! these are people who couldn't throw enough money our way to lend to us when rich was in training and now that he has a real job we can't get a loan. what the hell is going on here? we had guaranteed offers for 10 times what i was asking for two years ago and an offer of a mortgage for 100 times today's amount--what has changed? i really was shocked. i mean, it totally seems like they would have preferred it if i couldn't have paid back the money. the first purchase on this particular loan was a "6 months same as cash" kinda deal and i can't help but wonder if it was because i looked (on paper) like maybe i could pay it back within that time that they refused to do business with me. the joke's on them because i probably couldn't--i wouldn't be getting the damn loan if i could pay it back quickly! idiots. so now no physical or digital darkroom, damnit.
maybe i'll try again without rich on the application--this must be his fault somehow! in the meantime, please enjoy page 24 of the second-latest hasselblad catalog.
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